The concoction of love
Hi !
Happy Valentine's Day to you.
While I personally believe every moment is a perfect time to celebrate love, I want to share my thoughts about that energy and this day in particular, which is recognized by many as a time to buy gifts, flowers, chocolates, and head into restaurants.
That's not everyone of course.
While it is nice to acknowledge our closest people in our lives with gifts, words of affirmations, and other "love languages", it might feel obligatory to do
it on a day where there's quite a strong collective agreement that one should do it.
Relationships often come with feelings of obligation.
Obligation can
sometimes/often lead to resentment, especially when one believes they are not getting what they want or need from the other person and in the relationship...
and of course when there are unresolved adverse childhood experiences from one or both parties.
Partners trigger each other, sometimes intentionally and very often unconsciously.
Love is a beautiful energy, but that is just a small ingredient in a healthy relationship.
Love is more of a decision than anything else and behaviors back up that decision.
Loving someone is a choice.
This goes for "self-love" as well.
Loving yourself is not just sitting with a feeling or speaking words of affirmation to yourself.
Just like with a partner, loving yourself is a decision and your behaviors back that up- having a balance of body, mind, spirit and emotional wellness.
Your capacity to love others is directly related to your capacity to love yourself, which is related to the amount of safe and healthy love you received in your youth
and...
the amount, longevity, and severity of adverse childhood experiences you endured and...
how much HEALTHY effort you have put in to try and heal those difficulties.
Quite simply put- the more you love yourself and self-worth you have, based on who you are and not what you accomplish or do for
others...
the greater capacity you have for loving others, even the people who trigger you the most.
This does not mean you or anyone should endure
verbal, emotional, physical abuse, or betrayal.
In fact, leaving certain relationships is a strong sign of self-love.
You can feel love for someone and also know it's best
for you to not be in partnership with them.
But, when the decision is made to be in relationship and to love the other person, it is important to remember:
♥️ you will very likely be triggered by your partner
♥️ you were drawn
to this person because this being had similar traits to one (or a few) of your early caretakers...and that includes the things you did not like.
♥️ when you are triggered, it is because you have some perceived need that is not being met...same goes for your partner
♥️ it is always possible to communicate your needs in a healthy and strong way
♥️ validating your partner is an amazing way for them to feel heard and loved, even if you cannot "solve" their needs.
♥️ to
take responsibility for your part of the dynamic and triggers, no matter how much or little you believe it is
♥️ the grass is always greener where you water it
♥️ make sure to water your own
♥️ teamwork makes the dream work, which includes reciprocal trust, vulnerability, and support
Truly loving someone takes effort and raising your level of consciousness.
I believe in you.
I love you and am here for you.
Happy Valentine's
Day
