Firming up your boundaries
Hi !
You probably heard the old saying, "nice guys finish last".
When I was younger, I never understood why that is a saying and a belief.
Why wouldn't people in partnership like
being treated well by a nice guy doing nice things for them?
Here's an explanation for that:
Sometimes people carry an unconscious belief that they do not deserve to be treated well in relationship.
This is usually due to trauma experienced
in childhood.
The traumatized child grows into an adult who seeks out partners that "feel like home", someone who reminds them of the person or people they experienced trauma from.
It seems irrational, yes, and it happens all the time.
Just as many challenging
experiences in life, this pattern is an invitation to heal childhood wounds.
Sometimes a person needs many invitations before truly stepping into healing.
When a person seeks a partner who unconsciously reminds them of someone who traumatized them when they were younger, one pattern they fall into is that of the "nice guy" or even "nice gal".
To make the rest of this newsletter easier to read, I'll use nice guy, but you can substitute girl/woman as you wish.
In this relationship dynamic, this person dedicates his time
and energy to pleasing his partner and does his best not to question what his partner is doing and saying, often at the expense of his boundaries and comfort.
This happens because through his actions, he seeks his partner's love and acceptance and is
fearful of not having those.
The intention is partially, or fully, from his companion, his ego.
There is nothing wrong with doing nice things and behaving in nice ways.
But, when it comes at a cost to the person and his boundaries and/or there's a desire to get something
in return, that always leads to relationship difficulties, including the nice guy building resentment because he abandons himself and does not stand in his power...
...and his partner has a difficult time respecting him.
This happens in business and parenting relationships as well.
In order to have a functional and fulfilled relationship, the "nice guy" needs to learn to stand firm in his beliefs, consciously speak up for his needs, and not feel the need to regulate his partner's emotions and rush to solve their dilemmas.
The best way to find that balance of nice and strong is to increase your awareness by doing your deep healing so you recognize if you're a "nice guy",
or a powerful and fulfilled man.
My program to help you do just that starts next week.
It will be the best gift you can give yourself, your partner, your ancestors, and your children.
